Like a lot of people, I have focused more on my
family and extended family more than I have focused on myself. Not only do I
focus on my kids and my husband, but my siblings, my dad, my nieces and
nephews.
It started when I was a child and was told on many
occasions that I would grow up to be a snobby, disloyal person that would care
more about taking my dog to the vet than attending a funeral of a family
member. This was told to me from a young age from my mom and my siblings that I
would basically become so successful that I would look down on people.
I spent most of my life trying to disprove this. I
was always there when I was needed. I babysat when asked. When I went to
college, I would come home for the summer to help my family. One summer I spent
money I received from my internship buying my sister and her kids food and on
gas driving them back and forth to school.
When my sisters needed money I tried my best to get
the money. I wanted my family to be alright and I did what I could when I
could.
On the flip side, I never felt there was anyone out
there to help me. When I needed things or support I didn’t have it. It led to
my depression and hopelessness. I looked in all the wrong places for that help.
I took all the bad behavior and swallowed my pain to help them despite how it
affected my health.
When I was diagnosed with bipolar II disorder and
really understand what that meant, I realized that stress and not sleeping
would only make things worse. I have
lots of family. I have lots of blood
relatives but the circle that surrounds me is very small. I spend a lot of time blaming myself for
that. It was my social anxiety disorder
that led me to distance myself from people and guard myself. Maybe it was my fault that was not close with
a lot of my family members. I know that
there are times I have backed off by choice.
Then something happened. I became fed up. My older sister decided that
despite all that I have done for her I was expendable. She lives in a world
where she is a perfect mother and has her life together and anyone that says
different is judgmental and trying to bring her down. Despite the fact that I
took in her child and worked my butt off to make sure she had an amazing life.
Despite the fact that I let her take advantage of me she still only cares about
herself and no one else.
My brother spends his life using and abusing people
and decided that I was expendable and threaten to come to California and beat
me up. He called my kids ugly and that he was done with me all because his
girlfriend at the time had money he wanted to exploit.
I was finally fed up with letting myself be used and
abused. Words were expressed and I realized that my choice to distance myself
from my family was for my own self preservation.
When I was younger I had no choice but to subject
myself to unjust treatment of certain people my life. As an adult I had other responsibilities and
obligations. I felt cursed. I felt cursed with empathy. I have spent my life absorbing the emotions and
the pain of others and it has ruled my life.
If I am to get better, I have to remove the toxic
people from my life. No matter if the toxic behavior is coming from my family
or from friends. I have three kids and a husband that need me and need my time.
I love all my family but those that are trying to harm me or disrespect me and
my family need to go.
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