I never learned to swim.
When I was
younger no one taught me how to swim and as I grew older the water was like an
enemy to me. The fear of drowning was
real and I put that fear on the top of my list. It consumed my life. I was afraid to let my children get near the
water. There were stories of so many children drowning and if they were to fall
into the water…who would save them?
Not me.
I never
learned to swim.
I read
somewhere that when you are drowning underwater a lack of oxygen to the brain can
cause a sensation of darkness closing in from all sides. A person drowning is
unable to shout, call for help or seek attention.
That
was enough to leave me terrified.
Then I
realized…I had been drowning for years.
I had
been drowning in my own self pity, sorrow, dejection and fear. For years I suffered
from depression in silence unable to shout, call for help or seek attention.
Do you
want to know what it’s like to be depressed?
It’s just
like drowning.
No, it
does not mean you are sad sometimes or have the “blues”.
No.
When
you are depressed it consumes you. It interferes with everyday life and brings
with it feelings of doom and hopelessness.
Everyone
has ups and downs and may feel lost on some occasions but when you are stuck in
that downswing and can’t get out of it for days, weeks months and, in my case,
years then you are probably suffering from clinical depression.
Depression
is as dangerous as drowning and keeping your head above water is the hardest
thing when you feel like no one around you can save you. When no one ever taught how to survive the madness.
For
most of my life I suffered from depression. I felt like I was drowning every
day as I walked, ate, went to school, talked to friends and interacted with my
family.
A few
years ago I was diagnosed with Bipolar II disorder. After living with the disorder I realized
that for me, depression was much worse than hypomania. Yes, I can make some bad
decisions when I’m hypo-manic or when I let myself reach manic stage.
My
triggers?
With
me, depression can be triggered by anything that made me stand out or seem
different. It was mainly when keeping up the façade that I was a normal, happy
healthy human being when I felt like any other than that.
My
depression increased when I started to question my sexuality. I knew that I
liked boys but on some level I knew that I like girls as well. It frightened me
because I prided myself on being the model child. How could I be the model
child when I was clearly going to hell? I kept my secret from everyone. When
you are keeping a secret it like that life begins to feel lonely.
Those
were the times in my life when I felt like I didn’t want to be on this earth
any longer. Sometimes the pain would get so bad that in order to get rid to it
I would take a razor blade and make small slices on my legs. There was so much
hopelessness and pain that I constantly thought that my family would be better
off without me.
My
boyfriend (now my husband) didn’t understand what it meant to be depressed. He’s
an ambitious man and seeing someone laying around all day or not accomplishing
anything is tantamount to blasphemy.
“Why
are you in pajamas all day? When I leave you’re in pajamas and when I come home
you’re in pajamas,” he would complain.
How do
you explain to someone that the thought of looking for an outfit and then
putting on that outfit seems like torture? Everything seems like it is a life
or death situation and those simple task like combing your hair, brushing your
teeth, taking a shower, putting on regular clothes( and not pajamas) seemed
like running three marathons in a row.
Through
therapy I learned that just like no one taught me how to swim, no one taught me
how to cope with bipolar disorder and my depression. There were things going on
inside of me and I lacked the tools to work with them.
The only
way to deal with something is to learn what it is about, what triggers it and
the best ways to cope. For me, I try hard to focus on the positive. I take
medications prescribed to me and I do yoga whenever I get a chance. I learned
new ways to deal and interact with people and I learned to how to explain some
of the issues that consume me. It can be
so lonely sometimes down there in the way bottom. The hole of depression can go
very deep and the only way to climb out is with love and support from family
and in some cases the proper medications.
Last summer,
I did something I thought I would never do.
I
learned how to swim.
It wasn’t
pretty and I was learning at the same rate as my three year old but I went to
the deep end and I swam. I lifted my face up to the sky with my body floating
on top and I did the backstroke all the way from one end of the pool to the
other.
I
learned that nothing is impossible for me and I do not let depression run my
life anymore. When depression comes around (as it always will) I don’t try to
keep my head above water. I swim like my life depends on it.
Sometimes…it
does.
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