Friday, January 9, 2015

My Bipolar II Symptoms : Paranoia

It’s a scary and miserable feeling to think that any second you’re going to die. I don’t mean that you are going to die eventually. No. I mean the feeling that someone or some thing is coming to get you…at any second.
You get a bad case of Hypochondria and you believe you have every disease imaginable.
“Mom, I think I have prostate cancer!”

That was me at 12. I knew I was going to die young. I couldn’t see myself growing old. Now until I had kids and I wanted to grow old for them.
When someone dies you feel like you’re next. What’s keeping you from being next? You’re afraid to sleep for fear you won’t wake up. Or maybe your kids will be next…or your husband. Someone could break in and steal your kids and when you wake up in the morning they will be gone.
You buy alarms and put them on all the doors and windows. Every little sound makes you wonder if this is your time to die. When your partner is out of town and you are alone with the kids, was someone watching you and knows you are alone and this is their opportunity to come in and kill you.
When your kids are away, you worry about their safety every second of the day. Are they being taken away from you at this moment?
You feel like you will be framed for murder or a crime. That you will touch something and they will find your fingerprints and even though you are not guilty they will lock you away for life and you will never see your loved ones again.
Life can be painful and miserable with all these thoughts running through your head. How do you live like that? Why would you want to lie like that? That is when the suicidal thoughts kick in. You feel like you want to kill yourself to make the pain go away or you want to go out on your own terms.
That is what runs through my head on a deadly basis. Without medication, I would still be depressed and irrational. Sometimes those feelings can still affect me but I have the tools now to work through. Yet, ever now and then I can’t sleep and those feelings cause my chest to get tight and I feel like someone is squeezing my lungs. 
Paranoia is a real part of my Bipolar II symptoms. Darkness follows me and I try constantly to run away. I have to get away from it. It makes it so hard to breathe sometimes.

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