What if I was skinnier, I thought as I mounted the scale in my bathroom for the 8th time that day. Would I be happier?
Would my depression, self loathing and emotional angst go away?
I look up into the mirror and see my reflection. I averted my eyes. I didn’t like what I saw. I looked into the mirror and saw someone that wasn’t…
The person I saw just wasn’t enough.
If I had all those things, if I were all those things…would I be happy? I convinced myself that it were true. That if I had all those things I would feel more worthy of being on this planet occupying this space. I would laugh more. I would cry less. I would be less depressed.
My therapist didn’t seem to think so. My husband didn’t seem to think so either. She wanted to be to go deeper and find out what truly makes me happy. I raised an eyebrow when she said it because I don’t think that I have allowed myself to be truly happy. How was I supposed to know what made me happy when I spent years tempering my own happiness. I was afraid that if I let myself be too happy the fall would be much worse. If I got too high…when I dropped it would hurt more.
I thought deeply about the subject and decided to make a list. Things that would make me happy where I genuinely laughed and felt like nothing else in the world mattered except that moment. When I could be without guilt or shame or racing thoughts. When I could feel joy and it wasn’t from Mania.
Okay so that is a long list title but it’s the truth. I needed to discover what made me happiest in this life. Here is my list
Singing and listening to music
Spending time watching movies or being stuck in a hotel with my family.
The laughter of my children
A very good meal.
All of these things make me immensely happy. These are the things that make me happy before I have a chance to dampen that happiness.
I know what makes me happy. What I don’t know is what happens next. How do I keep those ugly thoughts of worthlessness away? I can do all the things that make me truly happy and still be plagued by the inner dialogue that tells me not to be happy for too long. The voice that tells me that if I let myself get too happy, I will just fall so low later. Like when I weigh myself. If I actually lose any weight I can’t be too happy. I’m sure the scale is either wrong or I’m just going to gain the weight back.
That reminds me…I need to weigh myself.