What if I was skinnier,
I thought as I mounted the scale in my bathroom for the 8th time
that day. Would I be happier?
Would
my depression, self loathing and emotional angst go away?
I
look up into the mirror and see my reflection. I averted my eyes. I didn’t like
what I saw. I looked into the mirror and saw someone that wasn’t…
Smart
enough
Pretty
enough
Stylish
enough
The
person I saw just wasn’t enough.
If
I had all those things, if I were all those things…would I be happy? I
convinced myself that it were true. That if I had all those things I would feel
more worthy of being on this planet occupying this space. I would laugh more. I
would cry less. I would be less depressed.
My
therapist didn’t seem to think so. My husband didn’t seem to think so either. She
wanted to be to go deeper and find out what truly makes me happy. I raised an
eyebrow when she said it because I don’t think that I have allowed myself to be
truly happy. How was I supposed to know what made me happy when I spent years tempering
my own happiness. I was afraid that if I let myself be too happy the fall would
be much worse. If I got too high…when I dropped it would hurt more.
I
thought deeply about the subject and decided to make a list. Things that would
make me happy where I genuinely laughed and felt like nothing else in the world
mattered except that moment. When I could be without guilt or shame or racing
thoughts. When I could feel joy and it wasn’t from Mania.
Okay
so that is a long list title but it’s the truth. I needed to discover what made
me happiest in this life. Here is my list
Shopping
Writing
Singing
and listening to music
Thunderstorms
Spending
time watching movies or being stuck in a hotel with my family.
The
laughter of my children
A
very good meal.
All
of these things make me immensely happy. These are the things that make me
happy before I have a chance to dampen that happiness.
I
know what makes me happy. What I don’t know is what happens next. How do I keep
those ugly thoughts of worthlessness away? I can do all the things that make me
truly happy and still be plagued by the inner dialogue that tells me not to be
happy for too long. The voice that tells me that if I let myself get too happy,
I will just fall so low later. Like when I weigh myself. If I actually lose any
weight I can’t be too happy. I’m sure the scale is either wrong or I’m just
going to gain the weight back.
That
reminds me…I need to weigh myself.
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