On Empty : When Bipolar leaves you with nothing.

Nothing.

There are days when I feel like I have nothing left.

Nothing.

When I feel that way I don’t have any energy, I don’t have any strength, I don’t have a will to be or do or become anything. I can’t shower, I can’t eat and I can’t be a functioning human being.

Nothing.

Recently I have had a few of those days. Grief, sadness and a feeling of worthlessness have plagued me. They have plagued me until I am so fatigued all I can do is stare at the wall.  It is hard to get away from those feelings sometimes. When you are bipolar, those feelings can creep up when you are depressed. 

I have been manic all week. Cleaning everything in sight. It felt good to make the house free of dirt, dust and cat fur. Yet when you are manic for so long…you pay for it. You pay deeply for the highs. I have Bipolar II, so the highs are not as high as when you have Bipolar I, but the lows are just as low if not lower.

It can be so lonely sometimes down here in the way bottom. My husband just lost his grandfather; I am still grieving over multiple losses in my family over a 5 year span. My best friend just had her second child today and I can’t be there to see her.

I feel so lonely. I see how people, when in this condition, fall to the deep end. Some drown and some are able to make it back to the top. They get back above water and learn how to swim. I have learned how to swim but lately I have been sinking and no amount of swimming gets me back to the top.

Depression gets worse when you think about people that are in far worse situations than you are and they you get survivor’s guilt. I have survivors guilt about my mom, who died from heart disease brought on by her excessive smoking. I always thought I should have worked harder to stop her from

smoking.  My uncle who OD’d makes me sad everyday and my cousin who at the young age of 31 died from complications from breast cancer.

 I just turned 31.

How could I feel such self pity when I am still here? I am still alive. Yet some days, I don’t feel alive. I feel like I just exist.

The thing is, I have three children to care about. I have a career to that needs my attention so I have to dig deep and pull out something. I’m on empty but I have so much on my plate that I have to dig, dig, and dig some more.

I can’t have nothing left. I have to find something. I have to get something from somewhere.