My husband and I spend a lot of time discussing our investment and what we should do with our money. To be honest, usually he discusses it while I drift off into my own brain thinking about the next thing I have to wash, clean, prepare or take care of.
My mind is a battlefield. And I spend most of my day maneuvering through it to make sure my kids are taken care of, my husband has what he needs, my friends have my support until there is not much left for me to hold onto.
While I listened to my husband discuss investing our finances, I realized that I spend little time investing in myself. I spend a good portion of my time investing in those around me whether it is time, money, support or an ear to listen. I based my worth on how much I can help others. Maybe if I helped everyone else, that will make me happy.
I discussed this with my therapist. I feel that I am only worth something when I can give to others. If I give to others then maybe they will remember me and just maybe they will appreciate me and see me as someone they can rely on and someone worthy to be a part of this world. So, I give and give and give. I give to charities, I give to my family and I give to strangers on the street. I give money, time and emotional currency. There is no limit to what I will give and how much of it I will hand over to the first one to ask me.
I have always felt that if I didn’t give everything that I had in me I would not be loved. No one would care about me or bother with me. Yes…it is me trying to buy love. Even from strangers.
I don’t have to tell you that too much of a good thing can be bad, bad, bad. Too much giving left me depleted, especially when some of those I gave to didn’t give in return. Not that that was the reason I gave in the first place. I gave to the people in my life because I wanted to be there for them and support them in any way that I could. I did this…I do this without wanting anything in return. Yet if I do not take care of myself I won’t replenish my stock and will not have anything left to give.
The point I want to make if this. It wouldn’t be selfish of me if I dedicated some time to invest in my hopes, dreams and desires for a change. The more I enrich myself, the more I have to give. I also have to learn that giving does dictate my worth. I am already worthy of love by just being me. I do not need to buy my stake in this universe and I do not need to buy people’s love and affection.
My mind is a battlefield. And I spend most of my day maneuvering through it to make sure my kids are taken care of, my husband has what he needs, my friends have my support until there is not much left for me to hold onto.
While I listened to my husband discuss investing our finances, I realized that I spend little time investing in myself. I spend a good portion of my time investing in those around me whether it is time, money, support or an ear to listen. I based my worth on how much I can help others. Maybe if I helped everyone else, that will make me happy.
I discussed this with my therapist. I feel that I am only worth something when I can give to others. If I give to others then maybe they will remember me and just maybe they will appreciate me and see me as someone they can rely on and someone worthy to be a part of this world. So, I give and give and give. I give to charities, I give to my family and I give to strangers on the street. I give money, time and emotional currency. There is no limit to what I will give and how much of it I will hand over to the first one to ask me.
I have always felt that if I didn’t give everything that I had in me I would not be loved. No one would care about me or bother with me. Yes…it is me trying to buy love. Even from strangers. I don’t have to tell you that too much of a good thing can be bad, bad, bad. Too much giving left me depleted, especially when some of those I gave to didn’t give in return. Not that that was the reason I gave in the first place. I gave to the people in my life because I wanted to be there for them and support them in any way that I could. I did this…I do this without wanting anything in return. Yet if I do not take care of myself I won’t replenish my stock and will not have anything left to give.
The point I want to make if this. It wouldn’t be selfish of me if I dedicated some time to invest in my hopes, dreams and desires for a change. The more I enrich myself, the more I have to give. I also have to learn that giving does dictate my worth. I am already worthy of love by just being me. I do not need to buy my stake in this universe and I do not need to buy people’s love and affection.
Everyone says that it's better to give than to receive, but it's nice if, just once in awhile, someone gives you something.
ReplyDelete