Uncomfortable

I watched a Ted Talk from a woman named Dr. Brene Brown. She hit on some really solid view points. She discussed that are prone to numb their uncomfortable feelings through vices of all sorts. They cannot take being vulnerable so they find some way to numb those feelings.  We are the most medicated, overweight society because we cannot sit in our painful emotions.

This discussion made me think long and hard about myself and what I have been going through lately.

 I took a hiatus from therapy because my therapist moved. Having a therapist that you have been pouring your heart out to for years ups and leaves, you need time to regroup and figure things out before you jump into bed with another therapist.

I went back to therapy because I was constantly having anxiety. I was having anxiety attacks every day. I found myself relying more on Xanax, my anxiety medication more and more. I am only supposed to take my medication twice a day. Once at night and the other as needed throughout the day. I normally would take my pills as directed. Lately I had been feeling like I wanted to take my medication three times, maybe even four times a day. I was feeling uncomfortable in this world and my emotions were taking over. I didn’t like the feeling of anxiety.  When I am in the midst of an anxiety attack it feels like I am drowning and I am fighting for air.

Well, I decided to see a new therapist and try to stop myself before I began a long and painful journey making my life worse than what it already was. I knew that I was getting close to relying on my medication to get me through life and I knew I was on the brink of an addiction.

What I was doing was what Dr. Brown was saying. I was unwilling to be uncomfortable and vulnerable so I was medicating the problem instead of facing it head on. We do not get to numb or single out the emotions that we do not want to feel. We must feel the bad ones in order to feel the good ones.

I knew that I didn’t want to risk not ever being happy because I could not and would not acknowledge my pain and sit in it. I didn’t want to numb the good moments along with the bad.