There is a song that I
love by the singer/songwriter Christina Perri. It’s called “Human”. In the song she expresses
how she can do and accomplish many things. However, she is not a machine. She can
only do so much.
When I am suffering
from a manic episode, I can feel super human. I feel an urge to accomplish my mile
long to-do list all in one day. When I am engulfed in a bout of hypomania,
it’s difficult for me to see that I’m only human and not a machine. I have
limitations that I find difficult to understand.
The result? I usually
end up depressed and overwhelmed. When people ask me to stretch and bend to accommodate
them, I usually do…feeling that I must be more that what I am. I don’t say “No,
I already have too much on my plate.” I just go and do and refuse to breathe or
take a break.
I’m too ashamed to let
other people know that I’m only human. I bleed when I get hurt, I get overwhelmed,
I am easily embarrassed and most importantly I just need a break from the world
sometimes. I feel like this makes me a bad mother, wife and a bad friend if I
don’t go beyond my own human capabilities.
I am learning now that it’s
okay to take time out for myself. Falling apart and feeling overwhelmed are
what makes me human and being human is a beautiful thing. Just because I have
these feelings does not make me less of a mom, a wife or a friend. I will not
break , I am not fragile. I am only human and I will persist.
While your experiences certainly are more extreme that those of us who are not bipolar, we all have feelings of being overwhelmed and it is difficult for most of us to say "no" when someone asks us to do just one more thing. In other words, you are not alone. It's okay to ask for help.
ReplyDeleteOne of the hardest things for me to learn was to take time for me. It really helped cut back on my stress levels. Reading, watching a favorite show, or just sitting outside watching the hummingbirds helps clear my head and recharge my energy.
ReplyDeleteAllowing oneself to feel and be human is a great gift. Too many of us have grown up thinking we had to be perfect -- the "do-all, be-all" person. Martha is right, some of us can't know exactly how you feel, but we all have those feelings to some degree. It took me a long time, but I finally learned to step back, say "no", realize I need help, and ask for help when I need it. Thanks for sharing your humanity with us. xoA
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