Grow

You’re never too old to grow.  It took a lemon tree to reinforce that in my mind.

I’ve never been excited about flowers or plants growing in my yard. When I see flowers and fruit trees I think of insects. I hate insects of all kinds and I include butterflies in that lineup.

Recently I moved and discovered I now have growing in my backyard is a lemon tree and an Oroblanco tree. I was apprehensive about the plants when we first moved. I had no intention of going anywhere near them. I was hoping that the gardener would take care of them and I wouldn’t have to bother.

Then the trees started to get fruit. My family was delighted. I remember the day I actually went out there and stared at the trees. I just glared at them not sure what to do. So many thoughts went through my head.

Lemons from my tree.

Are there bugs on the trees?

What kind of weird insects would these trees attract?

Do insects burrow inside of these types of fruit?

Will picking these fruit bring bugs into my house.

Are the fruit safe to eat?

Will we die if we eat them?

My family had no such worries. They tried the Oroblancos (a fruit we had no idea existed) and they used the lemons to make lemonade. I tried to hide my fears. The thought of having the fruit in my house made me uncomfortable and feel out of control. Normally when I get that way my anxiety starts to peak. After awhile my fear began to subside. I began myself to use and eat the fruit. That may seem like a small feat but it was huge for me.

Oroblancos (sweet grapefruit)

Those trees in their growth helped me to grow as well. The fruit trees gave me the courage to move outside of my comfort zone and ignore the paranoid thoughts that plague me. Living with Bipolar disorder and anxiety makes me much more cautious than I want to be. It makes me hesitant to branch out and envelop myself in the world around me.

My fear of stepping into situations that make me uncomfortable consumes me most of the time. It stifled my growth and my ability to reach for or to want for more than what I have now.

It’s never too late to grow. With fruits from a lemon tree I have grown. Though it was a tiny bit every opportunity I have to move forward I will take. It is a step forward in my process with my mental illness.