Anarchy is a state of disorder due to absence of authority. It is the perfect word to describe my brain when I am manic and in the midst of a panic attack.
The bipolar brain is difficult to understand if you do not suffer from the disorder. I have Bipolar II disorder and sometimes it is not easy for me to explain to people what it’s like having this condition. How do you explain to someone that when you are manic your mind is complete anarchy?
My mind races and I can barely think straight. I feel high sometimes and other times I feel like I am completely losing control. As I write this blog post I am having trouble completely explaining my emotions to you.
Thank goodness I found a way to illustrate this situation. A good example came when I was watching cartoons with my kids. My poor brain reminds me of this episode of Spongebob Squarepants.
In this episode, Spongebob wanted to be the best waiter he could be. He was told he needed to forget everything he knew and focus on learning what it would take to be a waiter. So he studied and studied.
In the meantime they showed inside his brain these little people that were trashing file cabinets full of information. They were taking files and burning them and shredding them. Apparently these cabinets held all of his memories and knowledge. They were destroying to make room for the “how to be a great waiter” knowledge.
“Nah!” another would reply.
Everything was going great. He was serving the guests with ease. Everyone was enjoying themselves…until someone asked him his name.
Suddenly inside his brain there was anarchy. The place was burning and all the little people were running around searching for a file. They needed to remember the name!
That episode resonated with me not only because it was hilarious, but because it reminded me of my brain when I am going through a bipolar episode. I always felt like there were little people running my brain. When I am stable everything is managed smoothly. Everyone is doing their job and life is great.
Yet sometimes when I am manic I don’t get that high intense happy feeling. I feel chaos and anarchy flowing through my veins. I have trouble remembering things, I have trouble breathing and my heart rate increases. Anxiety sets in and I get irritable.
The place is burning down and the medication I take is the only extinguish to the flames.
Just think. It only took a cartoon to explain.