It’s a long way to the bottom. Yes, it is a long way down, but if you continue to do all the wrong things right…you’re get there.
It took me 28 years to reach the bottom.
It wasn’t easy. I spent my time living through rage and depression. I wasn’t authentic with the people around me and I worked hard to convince myself I didn’t need those people anyway.
I suffered alone and I continued to suffer alone. I began to spiral downward unable to stop my free fall to the bottom. Along that fall was suicidal thoughts, bouts of depression and cutting myself. I never felt like anyone understood or would ever understand me. I began to loathe those closest to me. They couldn’t see that I was drowning? They never stopped in to see if I needed help.
Why does she sleep all day?
Why does she stay in her room all alone all day?
Why does she listen to such depressing music?
I’m depressed and I have no reason to be awake. Sleep is the only time when I stop falling…just for a minute.
So for 28 years I continued to fall to the bottom without help or even a rope to catch along the way.
Then my mother died.
My journey to the bottom sped up. I fell at a faster rate and had no control and no idea how to stop. Before I was alone and I could fall and fall without worry of anyone else. I had a boyfriend and then a husband but…he was an adult.
He really didn’t need me anyway.
If I reached the bottom and it all ended he would be fine, right?
But when my mother died I couldn’t settle for just falling. I had three girls that needed me. How could I leave them like my mother left me? I just knew I wanted…needed an end to this madness.
Four years ago, I hit bottom.
I slammed face first into my own self pity, dejection and insecurities. I came face to face with my mental illness. Battered and bruised I picked myself up but this time I didn’t do it alone. I sought help. The help included therapy, support from those around me and medication. I was on my way back to the top. Once you hit the bottom there is no place to go but up.
Lingering in my mind always is a deeply rooted fear, however. A fear that causes me anxiety and insomnia every night.
I fear that inevitable falling again…