Bottom

It’s a long way to the bottom. Yes, it is a long way down, but if you continue to do all the wrong things right…you’re get there.

It took me 28 years to reach the bottom.

It wasn’t easy. I spent my time living through rage and depression. I wasn’t authentic with the people around me and I worked hard to convince myself I didn’t need those people anyway.

I suffered alone and I continued to suffer alone. I began to spiral downward unable to stop my free fall to the bottom. Along that fall was suicidal thoughts, bouts of depression and cutting myself. I never felt like anyone understood or would ever understand me. I began to loathe those closest to me. They couldn’t see that I was drowning? They never stopped in to see if I needed help.

Why does she sleep all day?

Why does she stay in her room all alone all day?

Why does she listen to such depressing music?

Questions that were asked but no one stayed long enough to hear the answers.

I’m depressed and I have no reason to be awake. Sleep is the only time when I stop falling…just for a minute.

So for 28 years I continued to fall to the bottom without help or even a rope to catch along the way.

Then my mother died.

My journey to the bottom sped up. I fell at a faster rate and had no control and no idea how to stop. Before I was alone and I could fall and fall without worry of anyone else. I had a boyfriend and then a husband but…he was an adult.

He really didn’t need me anyway.

If I reached the bottom and it all ended he would be fine, right?

But when my mother died I couldn’t settle for just falling. I had three girls that needed me. How could I leave them like my mother left me? I just knew I wanted…needed an end to this madness.

Four years ago, I hit bottom.

I slammed face first into my own self pity, dejection and insecurities. I came face to face with my mental illness. Battered and bruised I picked myself up but this time I didn’t do it alone. I sought help. The help included therapy, support from those around me and medication. I was on my way back to the top. Once you hit the bottom there is no place to go but up.

Lingering in my mind always is a deeply rooted fear, however. A fear that causes me anxiety and insomnia every night.

I fear that inevitable falling again…