Mop
the floor.
Sweep
the bathroom floor.
Vacuum
the carpet.
Dust
the shelves and picture frames.
Scrub
the shower.
Clean
the refrigerator.
My thoughts are hurried and fragmented
and I am fighting for control. I can’t control the emotions and the feelings
that have wreaking havoc inside so I must control my outward surroundings. The
only thing that calms me when I am feeling out of control is cleaning.
I get irritable and irate when there is
mess. I cannot control the mess that plagues me inside so I take it out on the
dust sitting ever so gently on the top of the TV. I take it out on the candy
wrappers that my daughters leave all over the house.
When my anxiety is flaring and my
disorder is running a muck I develop a compulsion to cleaning. I don’t just have
bipolar disorder, I also have an anxiety disorder. Anxiety disorder is a severe
form of anxiety where worry and fear becomes severe and heightened to a point
it can disrupt the everyday life of the sufferer.
Dust
karate trophies.
Must
clean.
Everything
has to be clean.
No.
Not
just clean but spotless.
Vacuum
the rest of the house.
When my anxiety is at its peak I become
compulsive about cleaning. Sometimes it mixes with bipolar hypomania and I will
rip the house apart only to spend days putting it back the way it was in the
first place.
When you have anxiety the scariest
moment is the second when you feel like you’ve lost control.
Scrub
the stove.
Clean
the shower.
Mop
the floor again.
Sweep
out the garage.
Clean
the bathtub.
Scrub
the toilet.
When someone has lost control or fear
that they have they would do whatever it takes to get that control back.
Me. I clean to get that control. It may
not seem so bad that I clean when I am at my worst, but some nights I don’t get
any sleep because I am mopping or dusting or folding and washing clothes. Because
I don’t get any sleep I can barely make it through the next day.
Yet with medication I can control the
anxiety and eventually I could control the compulsion. However, when it sparks
up again it’s usually when the house needs a deep cleaning anyway.
Interesting. Thank you for giving us a snapshot of it is like to be in this compulsive mode. I don't suffer from bipolar or anxiety, so I don't know the extent of the compulsiveness. But, when I'm stressed, I cook. That can be a good thing, too. But, usually not. xoA
ReplyDeleteI used to cook as well. Now it's just cleaning. Thank you for reading!
DeleteWell, I would say that there could be worse ways to control your anxiety than cleaning - which has to be done anyway - but your blog makes it clear that this is not a nice, casual endeavor, but a compulsive and overpowering need. Again, I appreciate your openness in sharing your battle, Donnee. Thank you.
ReplyDelete