Days

Today was one of those days.

The moment I opened my eyes this morning I knew that it would be one of those days.

 For most people there are good days and there are bad days. When you are living with a mental illness there are no good days or bad days. There are “I’m content” days and “I survived” days. I can’t speak for everyone with a mental illness but, in my world those are my options. I know it sounds bleak but bare with me.

On an “I’m content” days, I normally have a relatively peaceful day. If I can laugh, smile, go to sleep slightly hopeful about the next day…that’s a successful day. If I woke not dreading the day ahead, able to shower, cook breakfast without the tightness in my chest that anxiety brings…I’m content.

Today was not one of those days.

I awoke with unexplained anxiety that persisted as I walked my kids to school. It didn’t let up when I was dragged to the gym by my husband hoping that would lift my spirits. I knew that it wouldn’t. I knew it was one of those “I survived” days.

On those days, I am moody and slightly depressed. Nothing good that happens that day can alleviate the pressure from my chest. Life seems bleak and hopeless but I know that I have to make it through the day.

Today was one of those days.

My husband took me to breakfast. He wanted to cheer me up. It did…for about an hour. When we returned home I laid across the couch as he rubbed my back. I worked myself up so much that my stomach began to hurt and I couldn’t relax or rest.

Eventually my husband had to leave. It was going away on business and it would be and the girls for a couple of days. I knew that it would be up to me until he came home and I had to do more than just endure.

Yes. Today was one of those days. One of those “I survived” days.

I survived today. That’s all I did. I wasn’t productive and I barely was able to make dinner and get the kids in bed. Yet, I survived.

As I type this, I am hoping for a better day tomorrow. I would love to just be content and just be able to shower, drink a cup of coffee, go to the gym and just have a normal day without the cloud that likes to hang around.

I’m hopeful; tomorrow will be a better day.